


It's Heather

by bornfromanxietea



Category: conan gray - Fandom
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Based on a Conan Gray Song, Bi-Curiosity, College, Developing Relationship, F/M, Friendship/Love, Heterosexuality, Homosexuality, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Jealousy, M/M, Self-Discovery, Self-Harm, Song: Heather (Conan Gray)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-24
Updated: 2020-09-24
Packaged: 2021-03-07 22:06:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,963
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26634826
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bornfromanxietea/pseuds/bornfromanxietea
Summary: Landon is your average 21 year old boy struggling with college life. He's only able to survive thanks to the support of his mother and his best friend. Dealing with a traumatic event can leave scars, in more places than one. Follow Landon's journey of self-discovery, as he deals with jealousy and tackles his mental health.
Relationships: Jordan/Heather, Jordan/Landon
Kudos: 1





	1. Learning to Cope

**Author's Note:**

> This short story is inspired by a song written by Conan Gray, called Heather. I suggest you give it a listen before reading, as it helps set the mood for what I wanted to convey. I wanted to write about self-discovery, self-acceptance, and the longing to be loved. Slight Trigger Warning: This story does deal with mental health issues and tackles ideas of self-harm and suicide. 
> 
> On a side note, I have never written a story before, so I hope whoever ends up reading this will enjoy. I didn't plan on making it any longer, but let me know if I should continue!

I woke up with a start. I frantically look around the room. Nothing. I calm my breathing. Just another one of those dreams again. I check the alarm clock to the right of my bed. It’s 4:30 am. I lay my head back down and try to drift back to sleep. However, I can only focus on the cold sweat running down my forehead and the sounds of blood pumping in my ears. 

I check my phone and see two missed messages on the lock screen. One from mom, presumably checking in to see if I’ve taken my meds. It’s annoying how much she worries about me, but I guess it’s normal for a parent to do. But I mean, It’s not the first time I’ve lived alone. The other message is from Jordan, asking if I’m up. I hesitate for a moment before unlocking the screen. “I’m awake, what’s up?”, I type. I close my eyes for a few minutes, hoping that sleep would overcome my exhausted body. A small vibration interrupts. “Nothing, just wanted to check on you after what happened.” 

I pause and recall the previous events from last month. I shake my head, as the memory pains me to think about, and close my eyes once more. I turn over and somehow fall asleep to the sound of my echoing thoughts.

~

It’s November now, so the air is getting colder. I throw on my jacket on top of my thin sweater and grab my bag off the chair by the front door. I lock the apartment behind me, and head out towards the coffee shop on campus. I typically hang there in the morning before my classes begin during the week. The aroma of coffee beans and the hint of peppermint in the air calms my nerves before long, stressful days. It’s my third year of college, and it’s going just about as well as you would think. If not for being able to release tension at the tons of parties hosted on the weekends, I definitely would have dropped out by now. That, and my best friend Jordan, which are the only two things keeping me sane.

As I wait for my first class to start, I hear the door open. Jordan walks in and grabs the seat next to me. He asks if I’m going on the retreat for economics. Quite frankly, I hadn’t even thought about it. With my medical history, it’s not a very smart thing to do. However, it is apparently a really important event that will help get us more opportunities, since you are able to make connections or some bullshit like that. I guess my only option is to suck it up and go. 

As we leave the classroom, we wait at a nearby bench for Jordan’s girlfriend to come. As she approaches, I notice how the rays of the sun hit her skin perfectly. She always seems to glow, sort of like an angel with a halo. She hugs me then greets her boyfriend with a kiss. I see Jordan’s face light up. I have never seen him smile that hard for anyone. They are one of those couples you think should just get married already, it’s honestly revolting. Yet I can’t help but be happy for my best friend. I guess I’m just jealous that I probably won’t ever find a love like that.  
Jordan and Heather leave to walk to their next class, and I do the same. I put on my music and drown out the rest of the day.

~  


The month is finally over. There is another party today, just what I needed to take my mind off of things. I rummage through my closet and pick out a black t-shirt and ripped jeans. I spray on a subtle cologne, grab my phone, and head out towards the address.

When I walk in, I am immediately hit with the smell of weed and hard liquor. It honestly is sort of comforting, and I don’t mind that much. I make my way through sweaty moving bodies towards the bar and pick up a beer. I sip casually, waiting for a text from my friends, letting me know when they arrived. I seem to be staring into space when a pretty girl in a tight blue dress catches my eye. I’ve never seen her before, which slightly confuses me, as this is a fairly small campus. I watch as she finds her friends in a circle, and joins them in their dancing. I couldn’t help but stare. She was absolutely beautiful. 

I stand, watching her dance, so carefree, until she slows her movements and looks towards the bar, presumably to get a drink to refresh herself. I notice the small beads of sweat on her temple as she nears, and the way her dress had slightly risen on her thighs. She stands next to me and grabs a beer. As she opens the lid, she catches the trail of my eyes on her body. “Got something to say?”, she asks. I get flustered and divert my eyes, but it’s too late. She’s already drawn me in. She grabs my hand and leads me towards one of the closed bedroom doors. I try to remain calm and follow her in, closing the door behind us. She sits me down on the bed and climbs on top of my lap, straddling me. I put my hands on her waist and look up at her face to see where she wants to take this. 

If I’m being honest, I have never been with a girl before. Obviously I have had girlfriends, but they were only innocent first loves that don’t lead to anything. I didn’t know what to expect from this encounter, except for what I’ve seen from movies or porn. I chuckle a little at myself, as I don’t even know this girl’s name. 

She starts to move her hips, slowly grinding, while her hands roam under my shirt. I couldn’t help but be slightly aroused at her touch. I move my hands to her face and grab her cheeks, pulling her closer to me. I start to kiss her, our mouths moving in unison. She tastes like strawberries; it must be her chapstick. She pulls away and looks me directly in my eyes. She gives off an almost threatening gaze, as she pushes me down on my back. I decide to let her take complete control. She feels around my body, and I do the same. I touch her thighs, her chest, and her stomach. It feels good. 

She pauses and starts to remove her dress. I see her matching dark purple underwear set. I notice that it looks pretty on her. I continue to feel her body, on top of mine. It seems to be going well for my first time with a woman. She stops kissing me and moves her hands towards my waist line, teasing the button on my jeans. I start to sweat nervously as she undoes the button and unzips my pants, revealing my underwear and my obvious sign of arousal.

I hesitate before stopping her, and make it known that I don’t have protection. She smiles her devilish smile and says, “I got you covered.” She pulls out a condom from the cup of her bra and rips it open with her teeth. She hands it to me and I fumble in my pants to try and put it on. “Do you need me to do it for you?”, she asks. Without warning, she takes it back from my hands and starts to roll the condom on. The sensation was weird, much different from the touch of my own hands. I wait as she gets ready for what was to come next. Wait. What is to come next? Am I really about to do this? 

She positions herself and waits for my signal to start. My heart races at a million miles per second and my mind is jumbled. Do I really want this? I don’t know this girl. Don’t I want my first time to be with someone special?

I stammer as I apologize and gently push her off of me. I just can’t bring myself to do it. She looks like a really nice girl and I want to get to know her first, before taking such a drastic step. Surprisingly, she doesn’t look angry, just a little disappointed that I didn’t want her. I assure her that it wasn’t her fault, and I help her back into her dress. She tells me it's alright, and that she still had fun, as she opens the door to lead back to the party. The loud music blares into my ears as I apologize once more and follow her out of the room. 

Our tracks stop short when she bumps into a tall guy in a burgundy sweater. They both apologize to each other and I watch her walk back into the crowd, when the guy looks at me. “Landon?” “Jordan?”, we exclaim to each other. Fuck. “Woah, care to explain what you’re doing with that pretty lady in a closed room by yourselves?” This is embarrassing. “Nothing happened,” I say with the straightest face I can. He doesn’t buy it. “Bullshit, you both look fucked up” he says with a laugh. I avoid his eyes as I tell the truth. “Well something almost happened, I chickened out last second. Don’t give me shit about this, I will kill you!” I yell back at him over the music. “Don’t worry, your secret is safe with me,” he says as he ruffles the hair on my head.

I watch him walk away and try to calm my nerves. I must have missed the text that he was here. I wonder why he’s not with Heather. 

I follow him towards the group of our friends on the couch, passing a joint. We join in and hang out while the playlist of songs play in the background. Even though this night has been crazy so far, I’m glad it helped take my mind off things.

We stay gathered around the couch for so long that I lose track of the time. It seems that the crowd thinned out, as most people had gone home for the night. I check my phone. 1:48 am. I decide it’s probably time to head back to my apartment, since I’m already high out of my mind. Jordan gets up with me and we leave our friends to walk home. 

The whole walk we spent just talking and laughing about random shit. I feel so relaxed. Jordan stops at the gas station’s convenience store to grab us some sodas for the walk back. I sit outside on the curb waiting, looking up at the stars. The whole sky seems to be moving; I’m definitely tripping out. I check my phone again. 2:06 am. I notice how cold it’s gotten since I’ve been outside.

I must have been so lost in thought that I didn't even notice Jordan walk up to the curb I was sitting at. “Here,” he says as he hands me the drink. He sits next to me as I open the soda. I take a sip and observe the bubbling sensation on my taste buds. I imagine a bunch of frogs hopping around in my mouth. 

My hands start to freeze as we sit in silence. I can feel myself tense up from the slight breeze in the quiet winter night. I notice Jordan shuffling a little next to me, then he hands me his burgundy sweater he was wearing. “You’re shivering. Put this on,” he says. I take it from him and put it over my head. It smells like him. We sit in silence for another five minutes as we finish our sodas. “Ready to head back?” he asks.

We walk to his apartment first and get to the door. “Can I ask you something?” I say. He nods his head. “Why weren’t you with Heather tonight?” He considers for a moment, then replies, “She has a test coming up and needed the extra time to study.” “Oh,” I respond. I remove his sweater and hand it back to him. He walks in and closes the door behind him. I walk down the stairs and head back on the street towards my own apartment. 

I open my door and head straight to my bed. My head is pounding and I can’t control my thoughts. I don’t want to, but I keep thinking about that incident instead of going to sleep. Why won’t my mind leave me alone. 

~

For as long as I can remember, I have suffered from anxiety. My mind is my greatest obstacle. It hinders me from doing even the simplest things. That’s the main reason why I need so many distractions. However, just one time, my anxiety took me a little too far, and I almost lost my life.

About a month ago, I was swamped with classwork, midterms, work, and baseball. I couldn’t juggle it all on my own and it got to be too much for me. I started failing not one, but two of my classes, one of which could not be made up. I started prioritizing my daily responsibilities rather than my mental health. I got fired from my job and went on academic probation. I started losing sleep and became so angry and irritable. One thing led to another, and it got me suspended from my baseball team. 

I was at such a low point in my life. I don’t suffer from depression, thankfully, however in this period of time I was depressed. I stopped eating and taking care of myself. My mom and my best friend were my only support system. But it was so hard on them too. I hated that they had to take care of me. Basically, I was suffering. I didn’t want to suffer anymore. And I didn’t want anyone else to suffer because of me. So I tried to end it.

I still have the scar on my wrist. Luckily my anxiety overtook my depression and the cut wasn’t deep enough to kill me. It didn’t do any major damage. Only mentally. Now I have to take meds for my anxiety and they have me on depression meds, but I don’t take them. I’m not depressed, so why put unnecessary chemicals in my body. I do, however, still have these horrible night terrors. I keep seeing myself in that moment, and the demon in the shape of my mind urging me to do it. These dreams prevent me from being able to sleep at night, and proceed to wake me up when I finally am able to drift off. So to top it all off, now I have insomnia. Just your average 21 year old. 

After spending the next two weeks at a hospital, my mom let me go back to school and move into another apartment closer to Jordan’s apartment. That was the only way she would let me be on my own again. She has this idea that I’m going to try it again, and it’s better to have him close by just in case. It’s so annoying. I don’t need a bodyguard. I’m not stupid. I was just confused. Now I know that I don’t want to die.

~


	2. The Retreat

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter two! I promise the story will start heating up here, now that we got the background out of the way.

The rest of the days all blend together. School, study, party, attempt to sleep. Over and over again. Life is so boring now. I kind of miss the challenge I had before. It’s already time for the retreat.

I meet Jordan and Heather in front of the bus stop on campus. Heather is wearing high heels and that burgundy sweater, just long enough to look like a dress on her. I don’t know why she chose to wear heels to a retreat, maybe to keep up her self image or something. She really can pull off anything. She has her hands interlaced with Jordan’s and they walk up to me. Heather hugs me once again, the usual greeting since she found out what happened. I realize this is probably her way of saying she ‘cares about me’ or that I’m ‘ loved’ or something, so I won’t try and kill myself again. It’s annoying, but it honestly makes me feel a little better. 

We wait for the bus, and board together. I sit in the seat across from them. I put in my music and zone out, watching the trees blur as we pass by. After about an hour, we come to a stop. I gather my bags and step off the bus, taking in the fresh air. The woods, what a nice feeling. I wait for instructions next to Jordan and Heather in the cold air. 

The leaders instruct us to split off by gender to set up our things for the next two nights in our respective cabins. Heather kisses Jordan before heading off with the other girls from the bus. I walk with Jordan to our cabin and we find a room that suits our taste. Two bunk beds line up on opposite walls. He chooses the bunks on the left and tosses his bag on the top bed. “I let you have the bottom, in case, you know.” “Yeah. Thanks.” He knows that with my new night terrors, I sometimes can fall out of the bed. He has stayed over a few times at the beginning of my mother’s prescribed ‘lockdown’ to try and help me cope. I happened to fall out of bed occasionally, and he’s noticed the bruises they would leave. No one else from my classes or any of my friends seemed to notice, which was a good thing, or they would start asking questions. I didn’t want them to think I was getting abused or have to tell them I fall out of the bed like a little kid.

We take a short tour around the camp grounds and sit in on the first seminar of the retreat. It’s so boring that I take a short nap to try and recover from the lack of sleep from last night. I figure that Jordan will lend me his notes if it turns out to be that important of a lecture. 

I wake up to see an empty room with only Jordan sitting next to me. He seemed to be staring into space, lost in thought. I apologize and start to get up. “Why didn’t you wake me up, dipshit?” He replies, “I wanted to let you sleep. I know how hard it is for you.” I guess he’s right. But it’s still embarrassing. He pauses then says, “It’s time for lunch now anyway, you woke up in time for the best part. Heather’s waiting for us in the picnic area.” 

I follow him towards the tables where lunch is sprawled out in rows upon rows. I watch as he embraces his girlfriend and they pick out their food together. I branch off from them and head to the dessert table and decide to meet up with them later. 

Everything here looks mouthwatering. However, not feeling very hungry, I grab a few cookies and a chocolate pudding from off the table. I look around for any sign of Heather and Jordan, and I spot that burgundy sweater at a table under some shade. I sit down across from them and start to dig in. “No way I’m letting you eat that shit!” Jordan exclaims. “Fuck off, I’m not that hungry anyway,” I retort. Heather chimes in, “That’s not a very balanced diet Landon, you need to eat healthier. Especially since-” her voice trails off. We sit in silence for a few seconds before Jordan breaks the awkwardness. He hands me half of his sandwich and confiscates my cookies. “I know you have a sweet tooth, but at least eat this for me”. I look at him with the worst glare I can give, but I reluctantly agree. “Fine, but I’m eating the pudding first.” Heather giggles and starts to cut her sandwich in half as well. I’m so envious that she can just laugh like that. It’s like she doesn’t have any problems of her own. No wonder she’s so worried about me. It’s annoying, but I just can’t hate her for it. 

We finish lunch and split off into breakout groups for the retreat activities. I don’t see them again until dinner. This meal went fairly smoothly. I still didn’t have much of an appetite, but I managed to eat some veggies and a slice of bread. I could tell Heather was concerned, but what worried me more was the look on Jordan’s face. I don’t want to disappoint him, but I can’t help my appetite. 

Heather kisses Jordan and hugs me goodbye before she heads to the girls’ cabin. I decide it’s time to do the same, and get ready for bed. I go to the lounge and read through the papers from the folder given to us at the beginning of the retreat, half to see if I missed anything important, and half to try and make myself bored enough to knock out. No surprise, it didn’t work. I sigh heavily. 

I check my phone. 12:50 am. Lights out was over an hour ago, and here I am still sitting in the lounge unable to go to sleep. I stay silent for a few moments before hearing a door creak open. I see someone walking out of the dorms from the corner of my eye. They must be heading to the bathroom. I close my eyes and wait for something, anything to happen. I suddenly feel like someone is watching me. 

I open my eyes to see Jordan standing in front of me. He looks tired, with his hair all ruffled from being asleep. “What are you doing here?” I ask. “I wanted to check on you and you weren’t in bed so I went to see where you would be.” “Oh. Well I’m fine,” I respond. He looks at me indifferently then asks “Want to go get some fresh air? It might help you fall asleep.” Knowing it won’t help, I still agree, hoping that talking to someone will get me out of my own head. 

We walk outside and sit on the grass behind the building. No one should find us back here if they come and look for us, so we shouldn’t get into any trouble. “So do you wanna tell me what’s going on?” Jordan asks. “What do you mean?” I reply. “You’re not eating again. And you keep staring off into space. I know something’s up.” “I’m fine-” “Bullshit. I can tell when you’re lying. I’ve known you since middle school,” he snaps. I don’t say anything and look away. 

He moves his hand towards mine and grabs my wrist. I flinch, but I don’t pull away. “Everytime I see these scars, I’m reminded of how I almost lost you,” he says quietly. I feel a shiver down my spine at those words. What a jerk, he doesn’t think I’m reminded of the same thing? I pull my hand away from his touch. “Yeah I know,” I say. “I’m just worried about you. You seem to be falling in the same pattern.” Slightly irritated, I respond, “I’m fine.” He pushes again, “Hey-”. I interrupt, “Can you just trust me? Please.” He looks me in the eyes, searching for some answer that I can’t give him. Finally he says, “Okay,” and lays down in the grass next to me. I watch how peaceful he looks with his eyes closed and I do the same. I try to block out all of my thoughts and just enjoy the chilled winter air on my skin. Without even knowing it, I fall asleep all at once.

~

When I wake up in the morning I’m in bed. I gaze around the room and no one seems to be in there. How did I get back in the cabin? I put on my clothes and head out to start the new day. 

Still feeling irritable about yesterday, I eat breakfast alone. I see Jordan and Heather’s eyes searching the crowd for me, but I don’t care. I just can’t deal with anyone else today. I finish my breakfast and proceed through the last day of the retreat on my own. 

I really wasn’t feeling up to eating, so I skipped lunch and dinner. I wasn’t looking forward to being reprimanded, so I hid in the woods for most of the day to escape Jordan’s interrogation. If it’s really that big of a deal, he’ll just have to force feed me. I avoided him and Heather for as long as I could until it was lights out again. I didn’t want to be in the woods alone all night, so I headed back to the cabin.

I stopped at the bathroom before going to bed. I was drying my hands when I felt a tap on my shoulder. I turn around to see Jordan standing in front of me, visibly very angry. “Where the hell have you been all day?” Great, just the interrogation that I wanted today. “The woods,” I casually reply. “Are you fucking kidding me?” I can see he’s just about to let out steam from his ears. He looks like he could hit me. I can feel the panic setting in. “It’s no big deal” I stammer and try to move past him. My path is cut off and I am shoved against the wall. “No big deal? Are you joking? We’ve been worried sick about you.” My back aches from hitting the wall, and I can feel my mind about to trigger a panic attack. “You weren’t even at lunch or dinner. Did you even eat today? You can’t be doing shit like this!” I can feel my breathing start to quicken. I start to hyperventilate. “I- I- I’m sorry. I don’t-” I stutter. I can’t seem to catch my breath and tears start to form in my eyes. My vision gets blurry and I can hear my heart pumping in my ears. My chest hurts. I am about to fall to the floor when strong arms catch me. 

I stand in the dimly lit bathroom holding on to Jordan for dear life while he holds me in an embrace. I hug him back and squeeze as I try to steady my breathing. I can’t help the tears that fall down my face onto his jacket. He holds me tighter as I start to calm down. Ten, twenty, thirty seconds pass as we hold on to each other. When I finally calm down enough to process what is going on, I realize I’ve been hugging him for a long time. But strangely, I don’t want to let go. My breathing slows and I can hear my heartbeat finally match up with his steady one. I look up at him and see a single tear run down his cheek. My stomach starts to feel weird. Like a butterfly is trying to escape. I look away and let go of Jordan. I wipe my face and look at the ground.

“I’m sorry for making you anxious. I was just really worried,” he breaks the silence. “I know, I’m sorry for making you worry. I know I need help, I just want to do this on my own. I don’t want to rely on you or my mom anymore,” I reply. “We don’t do this because we have to, we do this because we love you, Landon”. My heart starts beating faster and I feel my face getting flushed. What the hell? I look away, “Yeah I know, thanks.” “Are you gonna be able to sleep tonight?” Jordan asks. “I’ll try my best,” I answer honestly. 

We head back to the dorms and I get into bed. What the hell happened in the bathroom. Why did I react like that? I closed my eyes and tried to go to sleep, just to avoid overthinking things. The night seemed to last forever, but finally it was morning.

~

We packed everything up quickly and grabbed breakfast to-go. I picked up a muffin from the table and stuffed it in my bag. I made sure Jordan saw, so he knows I’m eating something. I still don’t have an appetite, maybe it's just the anxiety. I’ll be fine in a few days.

As we board the bus I decide to sit in the back by myself. I hope I can take a nap or at least rest enough to try and make up for those lost hours. As I start to close my eyes, I see Jordan boarding the bus. Out of my control, I feel a small smile come to my lips. However, it faded just as soon as it came, when I saw Heather attached to Jordan’s hand, as she followed him to their seats on the bus. Whatever, I don’t care. That’s his girlfriend, they’re supposed to sit together. He knows I’m okay, he doesn’t have to babysit me. I’m fine.

~

We get off back at our campus and I get ready to head back to my apartment. I am about to head off when I hear Jordan call my name. “Do you want me to walk you back to your apartment? I don’t want you to be alone,” he says as he runs up. I consider his offer, and I am about to reply when I see Heather standing in the distance looking lost. I look back to Jordan and say “Nah, you should take Heather home. You don’t want your girlfriend walking by herself.” Jordan looks back towards Heather, and she gives a small smile, then he looks back at me. “Okay if you’re sure. I’ll see you tomorrow,” he says as he turns around to leave. Then he says, “Hey and Lan, make sure you eat something when you get back okay?” “Sure,” I respond. And he turns around once again. I watch as Heather gives me a slight wave and they walk together towards her apartment. 

I get home and throw myself on my couch. I take the muffin out of my bag and eat it, then turn on the TV. I roll over onto my side and lay there for hours. I know I could be doing something productive, but I just don’t feel like doing anything today. 

I hear a knock at my door. I look at the time in the corner of the TV. 7:39 pm. I’ve been laying here for over ten hours? No fucking way. I go to the door and check the peephole. Jordan is standing there with a paper bag in hand. What is he doing here? 

I open the door and he holds up the bag in front of him. “I brought Wingstop, your favorite,” he says as he pushes past me into my apartment. “What are you doing here, Jo?” I ask, slightly annoyed. “You didn’t answer my texts, I thought you might be dead. And I figured you didn’t eat, so I brought food,” he coolly responds. “What about Heather?” I ask. “She’s not the one starving herself,” he replies, in a half serious tone. “Fine,” I give in and head to the coffee table. We sit on the floor and eat the wings while watching a stupid cartoon on TV. I catch him glancing over occasionally to make sure I’m actually eating and not just throwing it into the plants or something. “Don’t worry, I ate it!” I say proudly, “You can go now.” He looks at me and states, “Well I gotta stay for a little to make sure you don’t throw it up or some shit.” “Jordan I’m not bulimic,” I retort. “I know, just making sure,” he says quietly. We watch TV for a few hours until he deems I won’t force it back up. 

“Do you want me to stay to help you fall asleep?” he asks as he gets up to leave. For some reason I instinctively want to say yes. “No. I’m fine,” was my response. “If you say so. It’s just you seemed to fall asleep so easily when someone was there with you at the retreat. I had to carry you from the grass back to our room. You didn’t wake up once,” he laughs. So that’s how I got back to my bed. I avert his eyes, “You’ve stayed here before when I couldn’t sleep and it didn’t help. I must have just been really tired that night.” I try to convince him, and myself. He thinks for a moment then moves closer to me. He puts his hand on my shoulder, and I can smell the faint scent of his shampoo and sweat. My heart beats a little faster at his touch. “Okay, but let me know whenever you need me.” He turns and walks out the door. 

I stand in the hallway for a few moments, thoughts flooding my brain. I don’t know why I keep reacting so weirdly. We are close, he’s my best friend. But it never felt this way before. I shove all these intrusive thoughts into the back of my mind and try to go to bed.

~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Landon is starting to get a little confused. The retreat has shown him a different side of his best friend. Will he be able to come to terms with his new feelings?


	3. Do It

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! You made it to Chapter 3! Thank you for reading this far, if you have.
> 
> Once again, I am going to put a trigger warning for this chapter. There are very dark moments that may not be comfortable for some readers to experience.

Another bad dream. I wake up sweating more than usual, and find myself lying in a pool of my sweat. Grossed out, I shower quickly and head towards the coffee shop to start the new week. 

I feel my nerves relaxing as I take in the familiar scent of the coffee shop. I read the next chapter of the textbook until I hear the sound of the bell ringing from the door of the shop, letting you know a customer has entered. I turn to see Jordan walking in the shop with Heather attached at his hip. She is dressed in a fluffy sweater, leather boots, and jewelry that complement her complexion very well. I admit, she looks very pretty this morning. They spot me in the corner, and walk over to my table. 

“Good morning Landon,” Heather exclaims with a cheery smile on her face. The sight of her looking so happy this morning annoys me. I fake a smile and respond with my own attempted greeting. This cafe was supposed to be just for me, why did he have to bring her here? Jordan breaks the obvious tension by stating the reason they came. “We noticed how off your appetite has been and Heather wanted to help, so she made you breakfast this morning.” Heather smiles shyly and pulls a tupperware out of her purse and hands it to me. “You really didn’t have to do that, I’m fine.” I say flatly. “I know! I just thought you might like something homemade, and Jordan told me this was your favorite,” she tries, looking back at Jordan for approval. I look from her to Jordan and see the pleading look in his eyes. I sigh. “Thank you Heather, that was so thoughtful of you.” I say kindly. I open the tupperware and start eating off the top. My mind goes blank and I can’t resist closing my eyes with delight. “Heather this is actually amazing, did you really make this?” I see a genuine smile spread across her lips and she nods her head. They watch as I finish off the breakfast and hand her back the tupperware. “Thank you, really. It- It tastes like home.” I say with a small smile. Heather grabs my hand and holds it tenderly then looks to Jordan and walks out of the cafe. 

“I’m glad you’re eating again,” he says. “Yeah,” I respond dryly. I know it’s only to help me, but he didn’t have to bring Heather into this. “Heather is like my family too, so it was only right that I tell her what’s really going on,” he says softly. Something inside my chest starts to burn at those words. “Sure,” I say. “I’ll see you later, alright” Jordan says before leaving to head to class. I look down at the textbook and close it, not able to bring myself to read anymore.

~

I began to notice things. Things I didn’t want to notice. I could see his eyes as she walks across the room. He was completely mesmerized, captivated by her. It only made sense, she could light up any room. But it bothered me that he would look at her. And I didn’t know why.

He would kiss her for the tiniest reasons. He would whisper things in her ear. He would hold her hand, and never let it go until the last second. It made sense, she was an angel. The kindest human being on the planet. But it bothered me that he would touch her this way. And I didn’t know why.

I noticed that they were wearing rings. Too young for marriage, I thought. But not too young for a promise. She was his, and he was hers. Bound by not just words, but a tangible item visible for the whole world to see. For me to see. And that bothered me. And I started to realize why.

He was my best friend. I knew him first. He should be looking at  _ me _ that way. Touching  _ me _ that way. Kissing  _ me _ that way. But that’s not what friends do. Why would he ever kiss me? I’m not Heather. I don’t mean anything to him.

~

I stopped eating, I stopped sleeping, I stopped going to class. I stopped leaving my apartment. I heard things. From the demon in my mind.  _ Do it. They won’t care. _ It’s my fault.  _ He won’t even realize you’re gone. Don’t be scared. It will work this time. _

I don’t want to die.

I walk to the window. I push aside the curtains and let in the light that hasn’t touched my skin in weeks. I am blinded. I reach for the lock. I step on the ledge. I can feel my heart pounding.

_ Do it _ .

I look down where I will soon be. I imagine the ocean below me. A nice splash in the water would be nice. I see someone on the sand. It looks like someone familiar. They look up at me. I can’t see.

_ Do it. _

I don’t want to die.

~

I feel a tear run down my cheek. I will do it.

Hands, no, arms wrap around my body. Strong, familiar arms. I am pulled back into darkness. My brain hurts. The arms won’t let go.

_ Let me go. Let me go. Let me go. _

I kick and I scream, but no one can hear me. They won’t let me go. I feel the arms wrap tighter around me. I am suffocating. I can’t breathe. 

I feel rough hands on my head. Stroking my scalp. Fingers combing my hair. I am confused. Where am I? Who is this?

I listen to the heartbeat near my ears. Steady. I breathe along to the rhythm of their lungs. In. Out. In. Out. I hear something. A voice. A familiar voice. Counting? Ten. Eleven. Twelve. 

I calm down enough to open my eyes. I see my living room. I’m in my apartment. I am being held. I slowly untangle myself from the lingering embrace. I see someone I haven’t seen in a long time. My best friend.

“Jo- Jordan?” I whisper. He doesn’t say anything. He has tears streaming down his face, silently. I start to remember what I did. What my mind was telling me to do. My chest starts to hurt, and I start to tear up.

“Are you alright now?” he asks. He doesn’t yell at me. He doesn’t ask me why. He makes sure I’m okay.

“I think so,” I respond. I look from his face to his chest which is soaked with my tears. I look at his hands, sitting empty in his lap. I notice there’s no longer a ring on his left hand. I look away.

“Let me know when you want to talk about it,” he says calmly. He gets up and heads to my kitchen. I don’t move. I  _ can’t _ move. He brings me a cup of warm tea, and wraps a blanket around my shoulders. He takes a seat in front of me. We stare at each other for what felt like a century, until I finally break the silence.

“What made you come here?” I manage to get out, my voice shaking. “I always take walks around here now. You seemed to want to keep your distance, and I didn’t want to bother you. So I just walk by to check on you. I happened to see you, you know, in the window. I got the spare key from under the mat,” he says with obvious difficulty. “Oh,” I respond. “You know I’ve been really worried about you. Your mom has too.” I tense up as he mentions my mother. “Don’t worry, I didn’t tell her. But I think you should,” he says softly. I know he’s right. But I want to get better first. 

Out of everything, I’m pissed at myself. I didn’t want this to happen again. I didn’t want to do this to them again. My mom, Jordan, even Heather. I paused my train of thought. Heather is a part of this now too. 

“Does- Does Heather know?” I stammer. Jordan remains quiet for a few moments before replying, “How long do you think it’s been?” I sit staring at him for a long time as I think. “I don’t know, a few weeks?” “Two months.” Two fucking months? I’m shocked it’s been that long. I couldn’t even tell which days were which. I guess I had given up completely. I look at the floor beneath me.

“Heather and I aren’t together anymore,” he says sadly. I look up at him quickly. “I’m sorry, what happened?” I ask. “Uh, I guess I had to check what my priorities were. I promised your mom I would take care of you. No, I  _ needed _ to take care of you first. I couldn’t give her what she needed. And Heather understood that, so she decided to leave.” I search his eyes and see the pain within them. “I’m so sorry. This is all my fault,” I apologize sincerely. “No. Don’t.  _ You _ are what’s most important to me,” he says convincingly. I smile softly, “I know how much you loved her.” “Yeah. Well, love sucks.” he said with a smile. Yeah, I agree.

~

He convinced me that I needed to leave the apartment and get some fresh air. His idea was to help him clean out his apartment. My mom freaked out about my second incident. I understand how she feels. In order to keep her from sending me to a hospital or to move back home, I promised that Jordan would move in with me. Being just around the corner from me obviously wasn’t enough to protect me from myself. So now he’ll be just a door away. I have to agree to her conditions, even though I know it won’t be good for personal reasons. Jordan is both the reason I was saved, and the reason I wanted to end my life in the first place. I don’t know how I’ll be able to deal with my feelings for him if he’s living with me.

The majority of Jordan’s stuff was already packed up in boxes, ready to be moved out. He had already given Heather back most of her things, but apparently some things he wanted to toss. He asked for some help in sorting through the last few things in his apartment. 

I rummaged the drawers and shelves deciding what could move with him, and what could be tossed. It was mostly just her old magazines, some pictures, and clothes. I made a trash box and sent it to Jordan to add on to. I cleaned off the countertops and swept the floor until he was done with his part. As he brought the box back out of his old room, I noticed the burgundy sweater he once let me borrow on the top of the pile. “You’re getting rid of that sweater?” I ask curiously. “Oh yeah, Heather would wear it a lot when she would come over. You can keep it if you want. It looks better on you anyway,” he said casually. My heart stopped beating for a moment. He thinks it looks good on me? I advise myself not to overthink his statement and take the box out to the garbage. Before tossing it in, I debate whether or not to keep the sweater.

~

It was spring by the time he fully moved in. We were finishing up the last few months of the last quarter. It was really stressful trying to catch up, but Jordan was there to support me. I also started seeing a therapist once a week at my mom’s request, but I didn’t mind that much. It was actually really helping. I started to get back into a normal routine. It was different having Jordan here all the time, but it was more comforting knowing he was there. 

I also began starting to sleep a little better. Sometimes, Jordan would stay in my room until I fell asleep, with his head on the side of my bed. It made me feel good that he would stay there with me. And he started forcing me to eat a little more normally. It’s kind of hard to resist when his cooking is so good. I wonder if he would cook for Heather?

Sometimes though, he would look a little sad. Just sitting at the table or in his room alone. I feel bad that I don’t know what to do to help him, since he always is able to make me feel better. I figure he’s thinking about Heather. About what could have been. 

I rummage through my drawers looking for something to throw on. I find the burgundy sweater that was once his. Absentmindedly, I slip it over my head and look in the mirror. Does it really look good on me? I’m not even half as good looking as Heather. I thought about my life with Jordan, and decided that I’m not going to compare myself to her anymore. I smile to myself, and I decide to head to the living room to watch TV. As I pass by Jordan’s door, I see him sitting in his bed staring at the wall. I stand in the doorway and knock twice. He beckons me in, moving aside to make space for me, and I take a seat next to him on his bed. I ask what he’s thinking about. “Life,” he responds. Hmm. It’s really difficult to gauge where his head is at. 

He suddenly lies down and looks up at the ceiling, similar to our night on the grass at the retreat. I copy his movement and lie down next to him. This seems to be a comforting thing for him. We lay there in silence for a while, only hearing the sound of our steady breathing and the cars passing by outside the window. 

“I’m really glad you’re still here,” he says softly. I look over at him. His eyes are closed, peacefully. “Me too,” I responded. I look back at the ceiling and close my eyes too. My thoughts calm, my breathing slows, and I start to doze off. Before I completely lose consciousness, I feel a hand slip into mine. Our fingers lace together. I can rest now.

~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the end of Landon and Jordan's story. I hope you all enjoyed reading as much as I enjoyed writing about them. It's been a wild ride. 
> 
> I wanted to end their story with something subtle that showed their platonic bond, and that their love for each other doesn't have to be verbalized. 
> 
> If I were to continue the story, I would probably go more into developing a romantic relationship, their vulnerabilities, and showing them grow together. Let me know if that is something you're even interested in. Any comments or suggestions are encouraged :)


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